I know I said that I would not be writing again for a while. Some of that was in part to a lack of time, but part of that was me being just plain angry. I know I am hormonal, but I had been verbally hurt that day by someone I care for, and although it was only that they were probably unable to control their own emotions, I find that they must find some refuge in making me feel bad, if only to make themselves feel a little less bad. Is this ok? No, not really. It is at my expense. Should I shrug it off? Yes, I should. Unfortunately, some of my own self confidence gets knocked down each time this happens, and it has happened for too long. I believe it has to do with envy (not on my part) and feelings of failure (also, not on my part). I know this person well. I know that this person has struggles that are so very heavy. But I wish that one day he or she would remember that lashing out at me, and then never, ever saying sorry for it, will only push me further away. I had assumed that this was never their actual intention, but as I write, I could have been wrong all along. Nonetheless, life is only a brief moment, and way, way, way to short for these small things.
Small things. So many times in the day, I feel little movements from my unborn child. ALL kinds of blurps and burbles, kicks, what I think is a baby butt moving around on my left side, hiccups and the elbow jabs that are sometimes so high up that my boob actually moves! I know you wanted those details, right? Seriously though, I have ribs... how are we moving boobs with elbows and feet??? I have 5 more weeks before the baby comes, and I just can't wait to meet this little boxer. No idea if said boxer is a boy or girl, but healthy is all I care about.
Healthy. I was in a sheer state of panic when I had to take Lanie to the hospital for minor surgery to remove some suspect moles. I was nearly sick about it. She did fine, and is fine. We will be seeing a dermatologist in January to check for other moles, as one of her moles, known as a Spitz Nevus may serve as a 'warning sign' for other possible mole issues either now or down the line. Frighteningly, a spitz nevus is also known as a 'Juvenile Melanoma', but is not considered cancer. I thank God for this, and am so very grateful to her doctor, Dr. Davis for even having concerns about her moles in the first place. It is not something we would have thought of.
Shortly before Lanie's surgery, Nathan, the son of our friend Karen, passed away. He was just 4 months old. He was fine in the morning, and then everything changed. Watching Karen and Marvin go through such pain, and knowing that they are continuing to suffer from such a loss has been a strong reminder of separating the important from what is not. Though I know that they are still hurting so much from losing this amazing, beautiful little boy, they talked about how lucky and grateful they are to have known him. I don't know that I could be so grateful. I think my anger would be more than I could even handle. That kind of loss, how do you get past that? I tell my daughter each day so many times how much I love her. It still isn't enough. There is a part of me that feels so guilty that I am so blessed to have her when our friends no longer have their little one. I feel guilt over my own pregnancy and new child coming soon. I don't think I could be excited for a friend who was expecting, if I ever had to go through what Karen and Marvin went and are going through with the loss of their Nathan. He would be just over 6 months old now. That is such a special age. I think of all the things that his parents won't get to see with him. I think of how hard Halloween must have been, how thankless Thanksgiving will be, and how heartbreaking their Christmas will be. These would have all been firsts for Nathan. Firsts that will never come. I am so grateful each day to have all that I have. It makes me remember that the small stuff is just that. So very, very small.
On Monday I received another email that again reminds me how short and precious life is. Distant friends of ours found out that their youngest child has a rare form of leukemia. She is only 2 years old and is battling cancer. Reading about her treatment and what is going on with her in the hospital is so heartbreaking and I can't help but to just cry. I watched Lanie lose it and have to be held down to have her H1N1 shot a few weeks back. Little Juliana has already had some transfusions, spinal chemo, and goodness knows what else, and is of course frightened by all of the needles, tests, and God knows what else she has had to (and will have to) endure, just to try to save her life. Her parents are expecting baby #3 in January as well, which is probably bittersweet. Caring for a newborn, a 4 year old (their oldest was born 2 months after Lanie), and caring for a very sick little girl is just so much more than demanding. Mike and Christine (mom and dad) are such strong folks, but it is hard I am sure to not show their baby that they are terrified. Prognosis for the Leukemia that she has is better than others I have read, but it is all individually based, and so multi-layered. As I said to Aubrey today, I wake up each day and worry about my daughter. Will she be happy and healthy each day? Will she be safe? These are normal things that a parent thinks about I am sure. It is hard to imagine what life will be like for Mike and Christine's family, not knowing when and if the cancer will return once (and if) it goes into remission. I thank God for the blessing of a healthy child, and pray that others are blessed in the same way.
Adding to that, my father in law is dealing with some test results that are of concern too. He had Prostate cancer a short while back and had that taken care of by a very good doctor. His most recent bloodwork shows that the PSA results were not undetectable this time, so he is going for further testing. Not knowing what the results of this will be, we are of course just hoping it is something small and easily resolved, but not knowing, and hearing that damned C word again, well, that is really frightening. I know he is concerned as he should be. Hopefully, as I said, it won't be anything more than minor and easy to deal with. His wife, Linda is also I am sure worried. Her late husband passed away from cancer some years back, and to have to worry again about someone she loves so much in that way is, I am sure, unreal.
So, back to my original anger about small things. There just isn't room enough in life to let those small things take precious time out of my day when so many BIG things are happening all of the time. I am simply grateful for all that I have, for every hug I get from my daughter, for every kick I get from my unborn child (and I am getting those right now from him/her), for every time my husband does something to remind me why I love him so much (and that is often), and for all that I have been blessed with. Small stuff will just have to wait, and wait, and wait.
