We live in a world where we put on the best face and put our best foot forward. Appearances are valued and we don't like to let people in enough to really know us. I am guilty of not being open with my friends about what troubles me, and I know I am not unique.
We are afraid. Afraid to share what is hurting us. Why is this so? Why can't we feel comfortable turning to our friends and family when we are hurting most? Even when we do, we don't often share the full story. At least that is what I believe to be true. It is too embarrassing to share that we are far from perfect. It is too scary to show how vulnerable we can be. When our minds betray us, we more often hide away than we ask for help. I know so few friends who are strong enough or brave enough to really ask for help. Most can't, or don't know how.
Every person I know or have known, has some level of "mental illness". Be it a case of the blues, anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, PTSD, dementia, or any other mental 'disorder'. Why are we unable to share these things? I certainly have battled anxiety and depression, and I am not unique. Mental illness is just that - an illness. An illness that should be treated properly, followed up on, and people with this family of illness should be considered no different than those with another type of illness. We don't shun diabetics, we don't shy away from talking to people with crones disease, so why do we get so funky when it comes to dealing with mental illness? Mental illness can be fatal if left untreated. This is as serious as any other disease.
Why am I posting about this today? Today I learned that yet another person we care about has died. My heart is broken for the family, and for the pain that our friend was in that led them to the conclusion that death was the option. This should never be an option, but when you are so trapped in your mind that it seems the only safe way out, it becomes the culmination of the illness. I do not believe this friend chose to die. I don't believe it is a choice, any more than when a stroke victim doesn't survive - it is a disease that can kill. We need to be able to talk about it, and to be there for our friends and family. I am so sad for our friend, for their family, and for the pain that brought this friend to such a heartbreaking end.
I don't know the whole story. I am sure there is much to it that I don't know. I am sure I will learn more as the week goes on. With that said, I wish you peace, old friend. If you could not find it in this life, I truly hope you find it in the next. You will be missed in this one. This I know.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Time for a more selective filter
So, a number of years back, I started this blog as a way to communicate with family and friends who were not nearby, and as a way to be expressive. Then along came Facebook. Once I got on there, I decreased the amount of time I would spend writing here. I also decreased the depth to which I would write, and found my expression came to a plateau, maybe even a halt. To be honest, I regret ever being on Facebook. Yes, you can reconnect with old friends, or keep tabs on what is happening in the lives of others, but to be honest, I have found it to mostly be a pain in the ass. It is a great place for people to take words and twist them, read them out of context, or just plain make assumptions based on a few words in a post that may not have anything to do with them whatsoever.
My issue, and it is just that - MY issue - is that I actually care far too much about what other people think and about how they feel. I care to the point that it has kept me up at night before. Little things eat at me. What you might not know about me is that I spend an unusually large amount of time trying to be thoughtful of others and their feelings. When I write, especially on something like Facebook, I often will read, re-read, re-re-read, and re-re-re-read until I am sure I have not offended anyone, have included everyone, and that I won't have to deal with some bullsh*t fallout from a post that originally only had good intentions. I am sure some of you know what I mean. I go out of my way to be thoughtful to others, often taking away from my own happiness in the process. I don't complain, I don't whine, I don't throw public pity-parties for myself. I believe I am in the minority when it comes to this.
Lately, I have found that the more thoughtful I am to others, the more I feel like shit. Why? Well, because I can't please everyone. Not that I need or want to, but sometimes it seems that I just get used and abused because of my kindness, or because of well I just don't know why. Here are some examples that just have me stewing at the moment (in no particular order):
So, on a recent trip, I experienced real relaxation. I mean, I didn't feel stressed, I didn't feel like I had to be everywhere, helping everyone, keeping up appearances to or for anyone. It was great, and long overdue. I don't relax. I don't remember how to be honest, but somehow I remembered this trip. We had something happen that wasn't great (not a biggie and not worth mentioning at the moment), but was so overwhelmed at the kindness of everyone who took care of us when we needed them. From the resort staff, the colleagues, the hospital staff, everything. Everyone make a bad experience turn out wonderfully! So, I stupidly thought I had the right to express myself on Slap-me-in-the-Facebook. Again, took 2 days to post what I wrote because I wanted to make sure I was writing the way I wanted it to come across. Don't you know, I get an email shortly after that was forwarded from someone who isn't even a contact of mine on FB to a relative of mine. No words added... just a snapshot of my facebook page/post. What was the point? Why was this necessary? It had nothing to do with either of you. Who knows. I really really don't have a clue. The person who this was forwarded to in turn forwarded it to me with a reminder that I'd left them out of the post and how vital this person was in the big picture. Look, This was a completely unrelated thing and I had, until that point, felt happier than I had felt in a very, very long time. All it took was one stupid comment to actually destroy my happy mood that I had finally achieved. I know I should not 'let' someone else bring me down like that, but because I actually care about what people think, it really made me upset. Clearly it is still upsetting me. I don't have the ability to let go of things easily. There is more to that story, but my anxiety is already heightened just thinking about it. There is more but why bother. I am very upset.
While away, I received a number of calls and texts from someone I thought was a friend, but who had stopped responding to me when I had clearly told them that I needed their support a few months. Every time she said she would call, she didn't. Then when she said she would be available to chat... nothing. No response to texts, emails, fb... so I am not stupid. I get it. I move on. I give far too many chances to people. Sure enough, all of a sudden she calls and calls and texts how needed I am and how she needs to talk and and and... which I have heard before, and each time there is very little inquiry on how I am actually doing... just "here's what I need from you"... sounds like my sister Loren. She hasn't cared about me or my family for years, unless it has benefitted her.
Speaking of people who don't take the time to give a crap about me, but who want me to listen, I have another vent... I listened to someone for hours on end over the past year complain about how tired they were of being treated like crap by their spouse, spouse's family and such... all while this person continued to share how they were very much crossing the line with other people in other ways that I STRONGLY advised against. I put aside ALL of my feelings about their situation and just tried to be supportive. I didn't throw jabs, I didn't encourage this person to leave or stay. It isn't my business and you make your choices however you like. However, when you call, text, visit, ask me to come there, and you go on for literally hours and hours and hours and hours about how you are done, you are moving on, you deserve better, etc. ( and by the way, I don't think I even shared my thoughts on it... I literally JUST supported this person and offered to be a shoulder no matter what. ) So, after making myself available to talk, listen, help, whatever, I found that all of a sudden this person just stopped talking to me. Won't even bother to respond to texts, and blocked me from seeing this person while online. Now, not only that but I had to hear 3rd party that things are all good and perfect between this person and the person who was supposedly treating them like crap, etc. AGAIN, I don't give a SHIT what you choose to do with your life and your relationship anymore, but for God's sake, if you take my time for this long and give me all the shit about how you want out and how you are abused and how your spouse cheated and you don't trust and and and, but don't have the damned courtesy to share what should have been good news to hear that you were moving back home and things were going in a better direction, well what the fuck!?! Am I such a temporary, unimportant person to you that I was just useful when you wanted to bitch, but now we are back to being non-responsive since I no longer have any value to you? Thanks. I am again the fool. I don't need your drama either. I would have loved to see our relationship grow again, but as I reflect on our entire relationship over the past 25 years, it occurs to me that this pattern is exactly what you have always done. Anytime a "lover" upset you, I was there for you. Once a new one came along, I was worthless again. I just want to say for the record that I am very hurt yet again by you. Not that you care. I truly am the idiot.
On this note, I need to find a better way to filter out the stressors in my life, and filter in the people and things that help me to be the best version of myself. I have taken enough abuse from the soul-sucking folks who continue to poison my potential happiness. Those who know me know I will do anything for a true friend or honest family member. It just seems that it is time I re-evaluate who exactly those folks actually are. I am better than the person I become when I let you affect me. It is time I stop letting you affect me.
It is people like you who make me forget who I am, and how valuable I can be. I don't often think much of myself because I am usually thinking of others. I have a lot to offer. I need to remember who I am.
The first step to solving a problem is admitting I have a problem... now that I have admitted the problems in the forefront of my mind, I am one step closer to regaining my happiness. I deserve that.
My issue, and it is just that - MY issue - is that I actually care far too much about what other people think and about how they feel. I care to the point that it has kept me up at night before. Little things eat at me. What you might not know about me is that I spend an unusually large amount of time trying to be thoughtful of others and their feelings. When I write, especially on something like Facebook, I often will read, re-read, re-re-read, and re-re-re-read until I am sure I have not offended anyone, have included everyone, and that I won't have to deal with some bullsh*t fallout from a post that originally only had good intentions. I am sure some of you know what I mean. I go out of my way to be thoughtful to others, often taking away from my own happiness in the process. I don't complain, I don't whine, I don't throw public pity-parties for myself. I believe I am in the minority when it comes to this.
Lately, I have found that the more thoughtful I am to others, the more I feel like shit. Why? Well, because I can't please everyone. Not that I need or want to, but sometimes it seems that I just get used and abused because of my kindness, or because of well I just don't know why. Here are some examples that just have me stewing at the moment (in no particular order):
So, on a recent trip, I experienced real relaxation. I mean, I didn't feel stressed, I didn't feel like I had to be everywhere, helping everyone, keeping up appearances to or for anyone. It was great, and long overdue. I don't relax. I don't remember how to be honest, but somehow I remembered this trip. We had something happen that wasn't great (not a biggie and not worth mentioning at the moment), but was so overwhelmed at the kindness of everyone who took care of us when we needed them. From the resort staff, the colleagues, the hospital staff, everything. Everyone make a bad experience turn out wonderfully! So, I stupidly thought I had the right to express myself on Slap-me-in-the-Facebook. Again, took 2 days to post what I wrote because I wanted to make sure I was writing the way I wanted it to come across. Don't you know, I get an email shortly after that was forwarded from someone who isn't even a contact of mine on FB to a relative of mine. No words added... just a snapshot of my facebook page/post. What was the point? Why was this necessary? It had nothing to do with either of you. Who knows. I really really don't have a clue. The person who this was forwarded to in turn forwarded it to me with a reminder that I'd left them out of the post and how vital this person was in the big picture. Look, This was a completely unrelated thing and I had, until that point, felt happier than I had felt in a very, very long time. All it took was one stupid comment to actually destroy my happy mood that I had finally achieved. I know I should not 'let' someone else bring me down like that, but because I actually care about what people think, it really made me upset. Clearly it is still upsetting me. I don't have the ability to let go of things easily. There is more to that story, but my anxiety is already heightened just thinking about it. There is more but why bother. I am very upset.
While away, I received a number of calls and texts from someone I thought was a friend, but who had stopped responding to me when I had clearly told them that I needed their support a few months. Every time she said she would call, she didn't. Then when she said she would be available to chat... nothing. No response to texts, emails, fb... so I am not stupid. I get it. I move on. I give far too many chances to people. Sure enough, all of a sudden she calls and calls and texts how needed I am and how she needs to talk and and and... which I have heard before, and each time there is very little inquiry on how I am actually doing... just "here's what I need from you"... sounds like my sister Loren. She hasn't cared about me or my family for years, unless it has benefitted her.
Speaking of people who don't take the time to give a crap about me, but who want me to listen, I have another vent... I listened to someone for hours on end over the past year complain about how tired they were of being treated like crap by their spouse, spouse's family and such... all while this person continued to share how they were very much crossing the line with other people in other ways that I STRONGLY advised against. I put aside ALL of my feelings about their situation and just tried to be supportive. I didn't throw jabs, I didn't encourage this person to leave or stay. It isn't my business and you make your choices however you like. However, when you call, text, visit, ask me to come there, and you go on for literally hours and hours and hours and hours about how you are done, you are moving on, you deserve better, etc. ( and by the way, I don't think I even shared my thoughts on it... I literally JUST supported this person and offered to be a shoulder no matter what. ) So, after making myself available to talk, listen, help, whatever, I found that all of a sudden this person just stopped talking to me. Won't even bother to respond to texts, and blocked me from seeing this person while online. Now, not only that but I had to hear 3rd party that things are all good and perfect between this person and the person who was supposedly treating them like crap, etc. AGAIN, I don't give a SHIT what you choose to do with your life and your relationship anymore, but for God's sake, if you take my time for this long and give me all the shit about how you want out and how you are abused and how your spouse cheated and you don't trust and and and, but don't have the damned courtesy to share what should have been good news to hear that you were moving back home and things were going in a better direction, well what the fuck!?! Am I such a temporary, unimportant person to you that I was just useful when you wanted to bitch, but now we are back to being non-responsive since I no longer have any value to you? Thanks. I am again the fool. I don't need your drama either. I would have loved to see our relationship grow again, but as I reflect on our entire relationship over the past 25 years, it occurs to me that this pattern is exactly what you have always done. Anytime a "lover" upset you, I was there for you. Once a new one came along, I was worthless again. I just want to say for the record that I am very hurt yet again by you. Not that you care. I truly am the idiot.
On this note, I need to find a better way to filter out the stressors in my life, and filter in the people and things that help me to be the best version of myself. I have taken enough abuse from the soul-sucking folks who continue to poison my potential happiness. Those who know me know I will do anything for a true friend or honest family member. It just seems that it is time I re-evaluate who exactly those folks actually are. I am better than the person I become when I let you affect me. It is time I stop letting you affect me.
It is people like you who make me forget who I am, and how valuable I can be. I don't often think much of myself because I am usually thinking of others. I have a lot to offer. I need to remember who I am.
The first step to solving a problem is admitting I have a problem... now that I have admitted the problems in the forefront of my mind, I am one step closer to regaining my happiness. I deserve that.
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