What happened?

Last night I had all kinds of offers Togo out with friends. I did in fact go with an old friend since I'd asked her to go see a band that I've been wanting to see for months now. Then another friend called and asked me to go see this band but I declined because I already had plans to go. Then another friend invited me to go see another band! So many choices. Bottom line though, I wanted to see the band that I've been wanting to see for MONTHS now. Of course, when my friend I was out with said she no longer wanted to go and see the band, I responded with 'that's ok. I'm tired anyhow' which was total bs. I was wide awake and wanting to go see the band!!! And did I go? No. I should have gone anyhow. Back in the day I'd have gone alone. I should have at least stopped to see the other band play... But I didn't. Instead I was my current spineless self and went home. Aggravated. What happened to me? It's time to stop being that way I think.....

Did I ever tell you about this?

I had forgotten myself until I was looking for familiar graphics this morning for work. I came across this link (there is a video in there somewhere too I guess). I was not present, but was recognized nonetheless:

Faculty recognition by the BOE

All I have to say is....

Don't MAKE me mad... I've found a new thing to explore... This was a first for me, but I really enjoyed it.

Fwiw I don't like guns in general. I just liked these ;-).

Darn you Trevor!

Music is love

My husband likened playing music together to making love - which I have to actually agree with. I don't go into the latter with a plan to do this, this and this... I just go where the moment takes me... And when you are able to communicate with your partner(s) you have a much more productive, pleasing, congruent session, right? I thought the analogy was spot on, and may actually help me with my understanding of music and how to play/jam with other musicians significantly! Thanks to my best friend for making such beautiful music with me! ;-) (and yea, I do mean music!)

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life.... And I'm feelin'.........

I'd like to say 'good', but that's not really the first word that comes to my mind. This year in particular has been a real trial for me. Work has turned sour, and my view on my career has been really tarnished. It's pitiful what we are doing to kids in school - expecting them to all take these unrealistic 'tests', well better not call them that... Assessments - emphasis on ass... Because they are just fluff. The whole thing is a joke. It isn't right. We are being asked to teach to the test (indirectly) and it throws away any chance of us being the individual teachers we were. It isn't right. I could go on and on, but I've got to go and get ready for my home room that I shouldn't have because I'm only part time and my union contract says I'm being overworked but isn't willing to do anything about it at all. It is simply another entity to take my money from me for no reason. They have done absolutely nothing to support me in my 6 years here, yet they take my money every single week...

I want to open a school. A real school - one where kids will really learn, look forward to going there, and will feel like they are an important part of the bigger picture.

I love having a blog where I can butch when I need to. I don't care if nobody reads it.

The path

I've heard time and again that it's always darkest before the dawn. It's been really dark lately for me. I am nowhere near ready to go back to work, I'm as far as possible from being motivated to plan lessons, I've not even placed my order! This is bad. I am not this person who is so behind and unmotivated. I am not. I feel as though my anger and frustration towards my district have hindered what I know I can do. I'll do what I need to. I need an attitude change. I need to get over my 'pissed-offedness' and get into my awesome teacher outfit and do what I do. I just know there is more out there for me and that maybe if I'm lucky, great things are coming soon.

Love

These are what I think of when I hear the word "love". I love my kids. At the end of the best and the worst days, they love me and I them. I have friends who don't have and don't want their own children. Although everybody is different, I can't help but feel sorry a little for these friends. They can't possibly know the kind of love I do. I thought when my nephews were born that I had learned a brand new huge level of love that could only be felt for closest family. When my daughter was born, I learned just how wrong I was!

I'm so very lucky. I just needed to write that. It's my blog of course so I can do just that ;-)

Welcome back...me

I've been on hiatus for a while. Had a few mini-me's and such which can make any extra time I once had to write just vanish into thin air. I'm back though and you can be sure that I'll have lots to say about the Rochester cuisine scene. Keep checking back I'll keep posting!

Words with "friends"

Nope, I don't mean the game, at least not the way you'd think I do. I've had a few 'friends' lately who I have to admit, I've let down. I've not called often, or I've been a little distant. I do have my reasons for sure. What I have not (or ever, really) done, is to be completely ignorant of their needs or use them in any way. I, however, can't say the same in reverse.

The other night, a "friend" sends me a message on fb (so personal) stating she read I was on my own a bit and wondered if I'd have her over for wine and shed bring her own. Let me back up and say the last time I was invited over to her place was, well, when my son was an infant... 18 months or so ago... Nonetheless, my DH was not going to be home till late and why not. Company and a little adult help might be nice, right? Well, had I known it would have just been another person to feed and completely clean up after, I'd have declined her request. She came over with wine and proceeded to stand there after I'd pulled out a wine glass for her (along with the corkscrew and aerator). I'd poured myself a glass of my own wine and waited to see how long she'd wait until I'd open her wine. Ok, I'll be a friendly host but come on now... So she eventually (after I said 'are you gonna open that?') started to open her wine and said she always ruins the corks. Ok, I get that. I helped and she has her wine at this point.

I ask if she'd eaten, knowing she had not. She brought no food but again, I can be a nice host. I'll make pasta. I did just that. Made the pasta, watched my kids, cleaned up around us as we talked, and since she didn't offer to help with anything, I asked her to put napkins on the table. Done. I serve up the food, and I think she put a plate or so on the table. She didn't dish anything, or really contribute in any real way. After dinner, the kids go to play and my son was still not feeling well, so I had to calm him and get him to bed. Before I did this, "she" says "I told my roommate id be home by 8" and packs up to leave..... Food is still everywhere, dishes still on the table, my son is now crying and she gathers her wines up to leave! Doesn't offer a damn thing towards helping in any way. Not at all. So, she leaves, I'm dumbfounded and remind myself that she's no friend and that I'm done with that kind of relationship. next day, she sends a fb message - saying how glad she was it worked out for her to come over and how she wishes she'd been able to say something to help me out....?!?!? Wtf? Im confused... Say something? Like what? How about "can I help clean up"? Duh.... College educated doesn't = smart, folks.....

I have a few others out there too... Other folks who were people I respected and called "friends". Not sure what happened to them though. They don't call or respond until they need something. One was a "close" friend, until the final straw this summer. She never gave me an answer to a ? about a visit... And all travel and work plans hinged on her response. Because she never got back to us till it was too late, my husbands work plans were all messed up, as we're mine, and same with plans for the kids. Then she was coming home for a week since she no longer lives here... And talked about how I was the person to see... And I called HER when she was here, only to have her blow me off for all but 2 1/2 hours! Then texts me from the airport when she's leaving.... This is a person that I basically found myself chasing with calls and texts for a while.... Without reciprocation. A friend does this? No, that's not a friend. Not one that values me, anyhow.

I have always been the kind of person who tried to care for underlings and people that others would write off. Sadly I take longer than many to learn the hard lessons. There are reasons that people don't keep friends like these. I do feel bad for them. The first one was someone that I went to school with. For our capstone, nobody wanted to work with her, so I did. I was praised over and over for my patience and backbone to work with her when nobody else would. I unfortunately learned why people didn't work 'with' her - she didn't do any work! And because this was my culmination of my masters, I HAD to do my part, and hers (or it wouldn't be complete). I remember the day it was due - she was in the library researching! It was DUE!!!!! I should have dropped her before then but I believe in karma. I have to admit though, I don't know if she even realizes how others perceive her - but I can't do everything for everyone ... I need to think of me too, and I have always let me fall by the wayside...

I have met a few new friends lately. People I really have clicked with. Part of my new years resolution is to work on the friendships that matter, and rid myself of those that don't. I've got some housekeeping to do I guess!

Hi again... remember me?

I just wanted to say hi. I don't think anyone still reads this, but if they do, this past weekend was a wild little weekend. Check it out.....

Camping, and reflection

As some of you may know, Aubrey got a new job and is away for work this week. I took the opportunity to get out of the house with the kids for the past few days to just do something new while Aubrey was gone. We ended up in the southern tier at a campground and have had a nice time. For the first few days, my friend Errin joined us, but now it is just the two kids and me. Just what I think I needed, and I truly mean that.

I have been pretty emotional lately. So much has been going on, and I need to move through and past it. I am still struggling to understand the death of Juliana Lamonica. She turned 3 on July 1, and died four days later on her brother's 5th birthday. She had AML (rare form of leukemia)  and even though all of the treatments went well, and even though all the doctors were amazed at her strength and recovery, she is still gone. Because of some of the details of her leukemia, chemo would not have cured her. The only chance she had for a cure was a BMT (bone marrow transplant). Her 4 1/2 year old brother was a perfect match (10 out of 10... can't get better than that, unless you have your own stem cells to work with) and after two remissions, she had the transplant. Though she was AML free for nearly a month, it returned, and she is now gone. Her funeral was the 2nd funeral for a child I have been to in less than a year. That is something I am not able to grasp still. I pray that JJ and Nathan are playing together in heaven, without any pain or sadness.

Children are so very important to me. The children of my friends, and of course my own two amazing little loves. So, so important.

So, it is tough for me to understand people who take their own children for granted, or don't really care too much for them for whatever reasons. I get that people disagree, and that sometimes people aren't as close with their families as they once were, but neglect and indifference are inexcusable. I see more parents who could care less about their kids than I see those who DO care. Something is VERY wrong with this picture. I see it in the stores, I see it on TV, I see it way too close for comfort. So many parents don't think about how their own actions will affect their kids. It doesn't matter if your kids are young, middle aged, elderly, whatever. All kids have feelings. Consider that when you reflect on your own behavior around your children. Are you really making the most out of the time you have on earth with them, or are you merely fulfilling the basic obligations that give you the 'right' to be called Mom or Dad or whatever name your kids call you?

A friend called me today and told me that her mom is moving to the house behind hers. I simply reminded her to really look at the relationship she has with her mom, and never take it for granted. Her mother is there for her, for her grandson, and is so very thoughtful about how she contributes to her life. Her mother even took the time to come and see me in the hospital just before I had my son. I needed that motherly hug so much. I find that all too often that is a major part of my life that is lacking. I went to have my hair cut and colored a month or so ago. and my stylist was still on maternity leave, so she did the job at her house. Her mom and dad were there (they moved closer to her as she was getting ready to have her baby so they could help out and be a part of her life). I was really surprised that people actually do that. It seems so alien to me. I have heard complaints from another person that their mom comes over and cleans and takes care of things around the house. Complaints? Really? You don't know what the opposite side of that type of relationship really looks like. You have it better than you think. It is like people who complain that they have too much $ in the bank. Man... life can be rough.

Then there are the parents who are game players. Who use that passive-aggressive drama to stir things up. Those who have their own issues that they choose to displace in the shape of aggression, anger or hate on their own kids. I don't have time for that either. I have lost my faith in you. You can't behave that way and expect people to continue to respect you. You would not behave this way with your social or business circles, so provide some kind of reason that you believe behaving this way with family is ok. It just isn't. Everyone loses.

Make the most of your time here with the people who you really love. Everyone has a limited time on earth. Nobody lives forever, so all this game playing, all of this negative foolishness, all of this lying (be it big or small) is time that you can't get back. Is it really the best way to use the time you have?

This is why, on any particular day, I am most happy with my family. Spending time with my husband and children is the way I most prefer to be. I have spent so much time trying to get and hold the attention of people who, for whatever reasons, don't want to pay attention to me or my family. Or, they do pay attention, but only when it fits their own needs, or if there is an ulterior motive.

So,  thank you to the family and friends out there who truly care, who truly enjoy spending time with me, with my immediate family.  You mean a LOT to us. You are important to us, and we are all so grateful to have you in our lives. Maybe I am reading the rest of you wrong, but how would I know... you don't communicate enough to let me know otherwise. That is and always has been hurtful.

Springtime!!!

Its almost here folks!!! only a few more hours until it is OFFICIALLY SPRING!!! As much as I hate the winter, one of the benefits of living in western New York is the change in seasons, and looking forward to at least 3 of the 4 seasons...

It is fun to watch all of the flowers coming up, waking up to hear the birds singing again, the woodpeckers pecking for bugs, and the fresh air of the season that rushes in when I open the windows. What is even more exciting is watching how my son looks at all of these things for the first time. He has never experienced any of this, and I always have to wonder what he is thinking about as he sees these things. He looks at them all with such wonder and excitement. Ahh, to see things as a child does again - what a gift that would be!

I also love that every morning when he wakes up, I go in to his room and get the biggest smile from his cute little chubby-cheeked face. This morning he even laughed quite a bit. It was awesome. I love that I can have full conversations with him that consist only of the word "Goo" over and over again (as he and I are doing right now). Having him is a really fun and exciting experience.

Lanie has been great as a big sister, and as a companion to me. She is a wonderful helper and has been my buddy moreso over the past few months than ever I think. She has struggled a bit with no longer being the center of attention all of the time, and we have all been learning how to adjust to this new family life that we now have. All in all, I think we are all doing a pretty good job of adjusting and doing our parts. I want to work on making sure that Lanie and I (and Lanie and Daddy too) get some some one on one time. I want to do some girly type things with her without her brother coming with us, and I think that kind of bonding time will help. She is already excited that she has a girls night sleepover coming up next week. My good friend Vicky is coming over that night and we are doing a girls sleepover (daddy will have to go to the guest bedroom or Lanie's room) night. Vicky already comes over each week to hang out and give me a hand with the kids, and provide me with some grown-up conversation (much needed when playing the role of stay at home mom for the moment!). Friday will be fun. Today will be nice too since my awesome sister Shawna is coming out with her kids and they are all staying the night with us. That will be a lot of fun to have them all here. The older I get, the more I truly appreciate spending time with family.

Speaking of that, I have also really enjoyed spending time with my mother in law lately. Since I am home with the kids, there is much more time where I can go over to her house and visit, chat and just spend time together. It is so much harder when both Aubrey and I are working. At the end of a work day, we barely have the energy to get dinner together, clean whatever needs to be cleaned in the house (chores are never-ending), and get the kids to bed, then get up and do it all again the next day. That is probably hard to understand unless it is the life you are living. Then the weekend comes, and it is the only time we actually get to spend as a family together, and of course it is usually filled with cleaning and other necessary household responsibilities like shopping... time flies too fast.

Well, I am off again. Time to get the boy in the bath and clean his little tooshie. Then the big girl needs to get in the bath and get clean. She is learning how to do that herself these days, which is just amazing. She is growing up so very fast. She tells me that I am still growing too, and it happens when I sleep, and I can't even see it. She cracks me up. The things she says are so funny. I still can't believe that she will be in Kindergarten this year. Where did those 5 years go? She is so ready to be in school though. She has been for a long time. I just hope she doesn't get bored, and enjoys school. I hope that the school she goes to is a good one, and that her teacher(s) is/are great.

I will upload some photos later. Enjoy the first day of Spring everyone!

Tootles!

Smiling Man

Here are a few new photos of the boy - he is starting to smile and say things like "ah goo" and some of those other cute baby noises...

Time for photos!

I need to get back to keeping this blog more up to date I think. Not that I have much time to be doing that, but with the changes that the baby will be going through all of the time, it will be nice to at least post some photos every now and again. So, here are a few more recent photos of the boy. He is getting bigger and as of today he is 21" and 7lbs 13oz... so we are going in the right direction! He has not lost his hair, which I am amazed at. I thought he would lose it or that it would change color by now - Lanie's did! He is his own guy though apparently.

Lanie is transitioning into big-sisterhood pretty well. We have had some major blow-outs and fits, much disobedience and frustration, so, pretty much normal I believe! I hope that we are able to stabilize soon though, as it is no fun to be fighting with your firstborn. She is a great kid, and is just frustrated at being asked to be 2nd fiddle for a little...

Anyhow, speaking of the bear, I need to go and get her from school momentarily. Here are a few pics of the boy, as promised, along with some of sister et. al.

TTFN y'll!

His name is not Sylar

I can't tell you how many people think the baby's name is Sylar... though that is an 'interesting' name, it isn't the one we gave him. Sylar, for those of you who do not watch Heroes on NBC, is the very, very nasty villain character. This boy is far from evil....... he is one calm, cool dude.

Aubrey goes back to work this week, and we are going to take Lanie down to part time at daycare. That will be a challenge as she and I didn't cope well with each other this summer when she was home. I imagine that was due to being sick (me) and so, SO fatigued, and am hoping that having her home with me will allow us to do some more family bonding. It has been a rough transition for her going from being the only child to having a sibling who is getting the attention more than she is used to. She sure does love her brother though, and as long as it stays that way, we should be good. I plan on trying to get her into some classes at the rec center here, and also want to see about having her audition for a play that they are doing there, well, actually, it is at one of the area colleges. I think that she would love that, as she really, REALLY enjoys being on stage and in the spotlight. She always has. Plus, if she gets a part, I can only imagine how special that will make her feel!

Anyhow, we are getting a bit of s snow storm, and we have some things that we need to get done before the weather is too bad. I will post more photos soon, and as always, check facebook if you like since that is where I also tend to do updates.

Cheers!

Baby Silas

My family

Mommy & Silas

Silas (still in the O.R.)

Silas and Dr. Fichter

1 1/2 more days until baby

Seriously, I don't think there is enough time in the day for me to get done all of the things that I feel need doing. It still seems that no matter what, I can't keep up with this house. I am defeated by cats, kid and husband every time it seems. I am not complaining, but it gets a little overwhelming at times. I am making a list for Aubrey for when I am at the hospital. I know he hates that, but if I come home to a mess, I will be a mess, and that simply won't do!

Its hard to believe that I could get more tired than I already am. I want to sleep all day, all night, and all morning too. What the heck! Here it is at 11am and I am still in my jammies! I have an excuse today though. I am waiting for the dryer to shut off to get some clean clothes. Good enough excuse I think - at least for now anyhow!

If you watch Dexter and have not seen the season finale for season 4, skip this paragraph if you don't want it spoiled. I watched the season ending yesterday as we DVR'd the episode. The fact that the very last thing you see is that they killed off one of the main characters is not a surprise to be honest (though I will admit that I was a bit shocked when I realized what was happening). I mean, they killed off a main character last season as well, and it seems to be the kind of thing you can expect. However, I know so many, women in particular, who are so upset that this certain person was killed off. It was ironic I will admit (see, I am still keeping names off of here in case you are foolish and are reading this even though you know you shouldn't) that the 'cycle' is kind of repeating here... but I really could not stand the character that they killed anyhow. I mean, when I first met the character, it was great - perfect for the story line, perfect for the partnership, but grew increasingly annoying throughout each episode. I wanted to just pull my hair out with how annoying the character was at times. Yes, they created some kind of moral balance there, but it was the one thing in the show that I didn't think fit with the rest of it. Anyhow, I still almost cried... damn hormones!

Ok. Time to get dressed and stop fooling around. TTFN folks!

Just some things to help me remember what is important

I know I said that I would not be writing again for a while. Some of that was in part to a lack of time, but part of that was me being just plain angry. I know I am hormonal, but I had been verbally hurt that day by someone I care for, and although it was only that they were probably unable to control their own emotions, I find that they must find some refuge in making me feel bad, if only to make themselves feel a little less bad. Is this ok? No, not really. It is at my expense. Should I shrug it off? Yes, I should. Unfortunately, some of my own self confidence gets knocked down each time this happens, and it has happened for too long. I believe it has to do with envy (not on my part) and feelings of failure (also, not on my part). I know this person well. I know that this person has struggles that are so very heavy. But I wish that one day he or she would remember that lashing out at me, and then never, ever saying sorry for it, will only push me further away. I had assumed that this was never their actual intention, but as I write, I could have been wrong all along. Nonetheless, life is only a brief moment, and way, way, way to short for these small things.

Small things. So many times in the day, I feel little movements from my unborn child. ALL kinds of blurps and burbles, kicks, what I think is a baby butt moving around on my left side, hiccups and the elbow jabs that are sometimes so high up that my boob actually moves! I know you wanted those details, right? Seriously though, I have ribs... how are we moving boobs with elbows and feet??? I have 5 more weeks before the baby comes, and I just can't wait to meet this little boxer. No idea if said boxer is a boy or girl, but healthy is all I care about.

Healthy. I was in a sheer state of panic when I had to take Lanie to the hospital for minor surgery to remove some suspect moles. I was nearly sick about it. She did fine, and is fine. We will be seeing a dermatologist in January to check for other moles, as one of her moles, known as a Spitz Nevus may serve as a 'warning sign' for other possible mole issues either now or down the line. Frighteningly, a spitz nevus is also known as a 'Juvenile Melanoma', but is not considered cancer. I thank God for this, and am so very grateful to her doctor, Dr. Davis for even having concerns about her moles in the first place. It is not something we would have thought of.

Shortly before Lanie's surgery, Nathan, the son of our friend Karen, passed away. He was just 4 months old. He was fine in the morning, and then everything changed. Watching Karen and Marvin go through such pain, and knowing that they are continuing to suffer from such a loss has been a strong reminder of separating the important from what is not. Though I know that they are still hurting so much from losing this amazing, beautiful little boy, they talked about how lucky and grateful they are to have known him. I don't know that I could be so grateful. I think my anger would be more than I could even handle. That kind of loss, how do you get past that? I tell my daughter each day so many times how much I love her. It still isn't enough. There is a part of me that feels so guilty that I am so blessed to have her when our friends no longer have their little one. I feel guilt over my own pregnancy and new child coming soon. I don't think I could be excited for a friend who was expecting, if I ever had to go through what Karen and Marvin went and are going through with the loss of their Nathan. He would be just over 6 months old now. That is such a special age. I think of all the things that his parents won't get to see with him. I think of how hard Halloween must have been, how thankless Thanksgiving will be, and how heartbreaking their Christmas will be. These would have all been firsts for Nathan. Firsts that will never come. I am so grateful each day to have all that I have. It makes me remember that the small stuff is just that. So very, very small.

On Monday I received another email that again reminds me how short and precious life is. Distant friends of ours found out that their youngest child has a rare form of leukemia. She is only 2 years old and is battling cancer. Reading about her treatment and what is going on with her in the hospital is so heartbreaking and I can't help but to just cry. I watched Lanie lose it and have to be held down to have her H1N1 shot a few weeks back. Little Juliana has already had some transfusions, spinal chemo, and goodness knows what else, and is of course frightened by all of the needles, tests, and God knows what else she has had to (and will have to) endure, just to try to save her life. Her parents are expecting baby #3 in January as well, which is probably bittersweet. Caring for a newborn, a 4 year old (their oldest was born 2 months after Lanie), and caring for a very sick little girl is just so much more than demanding. Mike and Christine (mom and dad) are such strong folks, but it is hard I am sure to not show their baby that they are terrified. Prognosis for the Leukemia that she has is better than others I have read, but it is all individually based, and so multi-layered. As I said to Aubrey today, I wake up each day and worry about my daughter. Will she be happy and healthy each day? Will she be safe? These are normal things that a parent thinks about I am sure. It is hard to imagine what life will be like for Mike and Christine's family, not knowing when and if the cancer will return once (and if) it goes into remission. I thank God for the blessing of a healthy child, and pray that others are blessed in the same way.

Adding to that, my father in law is dealing with some test results that are of concern too. He had Prostate cancer a short while back and had that taken care of by a very good doctor. His most recent bloodwork shows that the PSA results were not undetectable this time, so he is going for further testing. Not knowing what the results of this will be, we are of course just hoping it is something small and easily resolved, but not knowing, and hearing that damned C word again, well, that is really frightening. I know he is concerned as he should be. Hopefully, as I said, it won't be anything more than minor and easy to deal with. His wife, Linda is also I am sure worried. Her late husband passed away from cancer some years back, and to have to worry again about someone she loves so much in that way is, I am sure, unreal.

So, back to my original anger about small things. There just isn't room enough in life to let those small things take precious time out of my day when so many BIG things are happening all of the time. I am simply grateful for all that I have, for every hug I get from my daughter, for every kick I get from my unborn child (and I am getting those right now from him/her), for every time my husband does something to remind me why I love him so much (and that is often), and for all that I have been blessed with. Small stuff will just have to wait, and wait, and wait.

Last post

You probably figured it out, but I don't have time for the blog lately. I know a few of you read it, and I appreciate it, but I think for now, I am taking an official sabbatical from the blog. I may return to it when and if I feel inspired, but lately I just have not been. So, email or call if you need me, but otherwise, I'll be back when I am back...

Cheers