We live in a world where we put on the best face and put our best foot forward. Appearances are valued and we don't like to let people in enough to really know us. I am guilty of not being open with my friends about what troubles me, and I know I am not unique.
We are afraid. Afraid to share what is hurting us. Why is this so? Why can't we feel comfortable turning to our friends and family when we are hurting most? Even when we do, we don't often share the full story. At least that is what I believe to be true. It is too embarrassing to share that we are far from perfect. It is too scary to show how vulnerable we can be. When our minds betray us, we more often hide away than we ask for help. I know so few friends who are strong enough or brave enough to really ask for help. Most can't, or don't know how.
Every person I know or have known, has some level of "mental illness". Be it a case of the blues, anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, PTSD, dementia, or any other mental 'disorder'. Why are we unable to share these things? I certainly have battled anxiety and depression, and I am not unique. Mental illness is just that - an illness. An illness that should be treated properly, followed up on, and people with this family of illness should be considered no different than those with another type of illness. We don't shun diabetics, we don't shy away from talking to people with crones disease, so why do we get so funky when it comes to dealing with mental illness? Mental illness can be fatal if left untreated. This is as serious as any other disease.
Why am I posting about this today? Today I learned that yet another person we care about has died. My heart is broken for the family, and for the pain that our friend was in that led them to the conclusion that death was the option. This should never be an option, but when you are so trapped in your mind that it seems the only safe way out, it becomes the culmination of the illness. I do not believe this friend chose to die. I don't believe it is a choice, any more than when a stroke victim doesn't survive - it is a disease that can kill. We need to be able to talk about it, and to be there for our friends and family. I am so sad for our friend, for their family, and for the pain that brought this friend to such a heartbreaking end.
I don't know the whole story. I am sure there is much to it that I don't know. I am sure I will learn more as the week goes on. With that said, I wish you peace, old friend. If you could not find it in this life, I truly hope you find it in the next. You will be missed in this one. This I know.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Time for a more selective filter
So, a number of years back, I started this blog as a way to communicate with family and friends who were not nearby, and as a way to be expressive. Then along came Facebook. Once I got on there, I decreased the amount of time I would spend writing here. I also decreased the depth to which I would write, and found my expression came to a plateau, maybe even a halt. To be honest, I regret ever being on Facebook. Yes, you can reconnect with old friends, or keep tabs on what is happening in the lives of others, but to be honest, I have found it to mostly be a pain in the ass. It is a great place for people to take words and twist them, read them out of context, or just plain make assumptions based on a few words in a post that may not have anything to do with them whatsoever.
My issue, and it is just that - MY issue - is that I actually care far too much about what other people think and about how they feel. I care to the point that it has kept me up at night before. Little things eat at me. What you might not know about me is that I spend an unusually large amount of time trying to be thoughtful of others and their feelings. When I write, especially on something like Facebook, I often will read, re-read, re-re-read, and re-re-re-read until I am sure I have not offended anyone, have included everyone, and that I won't have to deal with some bullsh*t fallout from a post that originally only had good intentions. I am sure some of you know what I mean. I go out of my way to be thoughtful to others, often taking away from my own happiness in the process. I don't complain, I don't whine, I don't throw public pity-parties for myself. I believe I am in the minority when it comes to this.
Lately, I have found that the more thoughtful I am to others, the more I feel like shit. Why? Well, because I can't please everyone. Not that I need or want to, but sometimes it seems that I just get used and abused because of my kindness, or because of well I just don't know why. Here are some examples that just have me stewing at the moment (in no particular order):
So, on a recent trip, I experienced real relaxation. I mean, I didn't feel stressed, I didn't feel like I had to be everywhere, helping everyone, keeping up appearances to or for anyone. It was great, and long overdue. I don't relax. I don't remember how to be honest, but somehow I remembered this trip. We had something happen that wasn't great (not a biggie and not worth mentioning at the moment), but was so overwhelmed at the kindness of everyone who took care of us when we needed them. From the resort staff, the colleagues, the hospital staff, everything. Everyone make a bad experience turn out wonderfully! So, I stupidly thought I had the right to express myself on Slap-me-in-the-Facebook. Again, took 2 days to post what I wrote because I wanted to make sure I was writing the way I wanted it to come across. Don't you know, I get an email shortly after that was forwarded from someone who isn't even a contact of mine on FB to a relative of mine. No words added... just a snapshot of my facebook page/post. What was the point? Why was this necessary? It had nothing to do with either of you. Who knows. I really really don't have a clue. The person who this was forwarded to in turn forwarded it to me with a reminder that I'd left them out of the post and how vital this person was in the big picture. Look, This was a completely unrelated thing and I had, until that point, felt happier than I had felt in a very, very long time. All it took was one stupid comment to actually destroy my happy mood that I had finally achieved. I know I should not 'let' someone else bring me down like that, but because I actually care about what people think, it really made me upset. Clearly it is still upsetting me. I don't have the ability to let go of things easily. There is more to that story, but my anxiety is already heightened just thinking about it. There is more but why bother. I am very upset.
While away, I received a number of calls and texts from someone I thought was a friend, but who had stopped responding to me when I had clearly told them that I needed their support a few months. Every time she said she would call, she didn't. Then when she said she would be available to chat... nothing. No response to texts, emails, fb... so I am not stupid. I get it. I move on. I give far too many chances to people. Sure enough, all of a sudden she calls and calls and texts how needed I am and how she needs to talk and and and... which I have heard before, and each time there is very little inquiry on how I am actually doing... just "here's what I need from you"... sounds like my sister Loren. She hasn't cared about me or my family for years, unless it has benefitted her.
Speaking of people who don't take the time to give a crap about me, but who want me to listen, I have another vent... I listened to someone for hours on end over the past year complain about how tired they were of being treated like crap by their spouse, spouse's family and such... all while this person continued to share how they were very much crossing the line with other people in other ways that I STRONGLY advised against. I put aside ALL of my feelings about their situation and just tried to be supportive. I didn't throw jabs, I didn't encourage this person to leave or stay. It isn't my business and you make your choices however you like. However, when you call, text, visit, ask me to come there, and you go on for literally hours and hours and hours and hours about how you are done, you are moving on, you deserve better, etc. ( and by the way, I don't think I even shared my thoughts on it... I literally JUST supported this person and offered to be a shoulder no matter what. ) So, after making myself available to talk, listen, help, whatever, I found that all of a sudden this person just stopped talking to me. Won't even bother to respond to texts, and blocked me from seeing this person while online. Now, not only that but I had to hear 3rd party that things are all good and perfect between this person and the person who was supposedly treating them like crap, etc. AGAIN, I don't give a SHIT what you choose to do with your life and your relationship anymore, but for God's sake, if you take my time for this long and give me all the shit about how you want out and how you are abused and how your spouse cheated and you don't trust and and and, but don't have the damned courtesy to share what should have been good news to hear that you were moving back home and things were going in a better direction, well what the fuck!?! Am I such a temporary, unimportant person to you that I was just useful when you wanted to bitch, but now we are back to being non-responsive since I no longer have any value to you? Thanks. I am again the fool. I don't need your drama either. I would have loved to see our relationship grow again, but as I reflect on our entire relationship over the past 25 years, it occurs to me that this pattern is exactly what you have always done. Anytime a "lover" upset you, I was there for you. Once a new one came along, I was worthless again. I just want to say for the record that I am very hurt yet again by you. Not that you care. I truly am the idiot.
On this note, I need to find a better way to filter out the stressors in my life, and filter in the people and things that help me to be the best version of myself. I have taken enough abuse from the soul-sucking folks who continue to poison my potential happiness. Those who know me know I will do anything for a true friend or honest family member. It just seems that it is time I re-evaluate who exactly those folks actually are. I am better than the person I become when I let you affect me. It is time I stop letting you affect me.
It is people like you who make me forget who I am, and how valuable I can be. I don't often think much of myself because I am usually thinking of others. I have a lot to offer. I need to remember who I am.
The first step to solving a problem is admitting I have a problem... now that I have admitted the problems in the forefront of my mind, I am one step closer to regaining my happiness. I deserve that.
My issue, and it is just that - MY issue - is that I actually care far too much about what other people think and about how they feel. I care to the point that it has kept me up at night before. Little things eat at me. What you might not know about me is that I spend an unusually large amount of time trying to be thoughtful of others and their feelings. When I write, especially on something like Facebook, I often will read, re-read, re-re-read, and re-re-re-read until I am sure I have not offended anyone, have included everyone, and that I won't have to deal with some bullsh*t fallout from a post that originally only had good intentions. I am sure some of you know what I mean. I go out of my way to be thoughtful to others, often taking away from my own happiness in the process. I don't complain, I don't whine, I don't throw public pity-parties for myself. I believe I am in the minority when it comes to this.
Lately, I have found that the more thoughtful I am to others, the more I feel like shit. Why? Well, because I can't please everyone. Not that I need or want to, but sometimes it seems that I just get used and abused because of my kindness, or because of well I just don't know why. Here are some examples that just have me stewing at the moment (in no particular order):
So, on a recent trip, I experienced real relaxation. I mean, I didn't feel stressed, I didn't feel like I had to be everywhere, helping everyone, keeping up appearances to or for anyone. It was great, and long overdue. I don't relax. I don't remember how to be honest, but somehow I remembered this trip. We had something happen that wasn't great (not a biggie and not worth mentioning at the moment), but was so overwhelmed at the kindness of everyone who took care of us when we needed them. From the resort staff, the colleagues, the hospital staff, everything. Everyone make a bad experience turn out wonderfully! So, I stupidly thought I had the right to express myself on Slap-me-in-the-Facebook. Again, took 2 days to post what I wrote because I wanted to make sure I was writing the way I wanted it to come across. Don't you know, I get an email shortly after that was forwarded from someone who isn't even a contact of mine on FB to a relative of mine. No words added... just a snapshot of my facebook page/post. What was the point? Why was this necessary? It had nothing to do with either of you. Who knows. I really really don't have a clue. The person who this was forwarded to in turn forwarded it to me with a reminder that I'd left them out of the post and how vital this person was in the big picture. Look, This was a completely unrelated thing and I had, until that point, felt happier than I had felt in a very, very long time. All it took was one stupid comment to actually destroy my happy mood that I had finally achieved. I know I should not 'let' someone else bring me down like that, but because I actually care about what people think, it really made me upset. Clearly it is still upsetting me. I don't have the ability to let go of things easily. There is more to that story, but my anxiety is already heightened just thinking about it. There is more but why bother. I am very upset.
While away, I received a number of calls and texts from someone I thought was a friend, but who had stopped responding to me when I had clearly told them that I needed their support a few months. Every time she said she would call, she didn't. Then when she said she would be available to chat... nothing. No response to texts, emails, fb... so I am not stupid. I get it. I move on. I give far too many chances to people. Sure enough, all of a sudden she calls and calls and texts how needed I am and how she needs to talk and and and... which I have heard before, and each time there is very little inquiry on how I am actually doing... just "here's what I need from you"... sounds like my sister Loren. She hasn't cared about me or my family for years, unless it has benefitted her.
Speaking of people who don't take the time to give a crap about me, but who want me to listen, I have another vent... I listened to someone for hours on end over the past year complain about how tired they were of being treated like crap by their spouse, spouse's family and such... all while this person continued to share how they were very much crossing the line with other people in other ways that I STRONGLY advised against. I put aside ALL of my feelings about their situation and just tried to be supportive. I didn't throw jabs, I didn't encourage this person to leave or stay. It isn't my business and you make your choices however you like. However, when you call, text, visit, ask me to come there, and you go on for literally hours and hours and hours and hours about how you are done, you are moving on, you deserve better, etc. ( and by the way, I don't think I even shared my thoughts on it... I literally JUST supported this person and offered to be a shoulder no matter what. ) So, after making myself available to talk, listen, help, whatever, I found that all of a sudden this person just stopped talking to me. Won't even bother to respond to texts, and blocked me from seeing this person while online. Now, not only that but I had to hear 3rd party that things are all good and perfect between this person and the person who was supposedly treating them like crap, etc. AGAIN, I don't give a SHIT what you choose to do with your life and your relationship anymore, but for God's sake, if you take my time for this long and give me all the shit about how you want out and how you are abused and how your spouse cheated and you don't trust and and and, but don't have the damned courtesy to share what should have been good news to hear that you were moving back home and things were going in a better direction, well what the fuck!?! Am I such a temporary, unimportant person to you that I was just useful when you wanted to bitch, but now we are back to being non-responsive since I no longer have any value to you? Thanks. I am again the fool. I don't need your drama either. I would have loved to see our relationship grow again, but as I reflect on our entire relationship over the past 25 years, it occurs to me that this pattern is exactly what you have always done. Anytime a "lover" upset you, I was there for you. Once a new one came along, I was worthless again. I just want to say for the record that I am very hurt yet again by you. Not that you care. I truly am the idiot.
On this note, I need to find a better way to filter out the stressors in my life, and filter in the people and things that help me to be the best version of myself. I have taken enough abuse from the soul-sucking folks who continue to poison my potential happiness. Those who know me know I will do anything for a true friend or honest family member. It just seems that it is time I re-evaluate who exactly those folks actually are. I am better than the person I become when I let you affect me. It is time I stop letting you affect me.
It is people like you who make me forget who I am, and how valuable I can be. I don't often think much of myself because I am usually thinking of others. I have a lot to offer. I need to remember who I am.
The first step to solving a problem is admitting I have a problem... now that I have admitted the problems in the forefront of my mind, I am one step closer to regaining my happiness. I deserve that.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Dislikes
Not that anyone should care what I like or dislike but I'm putting it out there, in no particular order, and to be updated at my leisure:
1) people who text too early/late. Why do they think that is acceptable? I'm not 18 anymore!
2) people who are almost literally up your wazoo when they need something (ie: a shoulder to cry on; a listening ear) but when you need them, they don't respond.
3) people who come over and then spend their time looking at their 'smart'phone.
4) people who bathe in perfume - especially in the workplace. Why does anyone think we want to breathe that in?
5) people who don't bathe at all - also why would you think we want to breathe that in? And please don't refer to #4 as an option. B.O. + perfume = vomit smell plus (because that's what I'll do when I smell you)
6) I don't like the #6. Not sure why.
7) Anxiety
8) Doctors who don't have the brains to be one - or the professionalism to say they don't know the answer.
9) Most people in grocery stores. You standing there talking to Babs in the (choose what aisle) taking up space while I dance around you to get (choose the item) - that's who I am talking about! Share that space people!
10) people who don't use turn signals. In a world where people are nearly IV integrated with communications systems don't you think you should let us know the simple things - like what direction you are going in?
11) cigarettes and smokers who make up all the excuses to smoke them. I used to be that person. Then my Grandma (who smoked) got lung cancer. If you can't find a way to quit on your own, meet someone with lung cancer and watch them die. If that doesn't change your outlook on smoking, perhaps you should try deep sea scuba diving without the scuba gear. That's a cure for smoking (and many other ailments).
12) people who complain (yup - I'm a hypocrite but hey - this is my blog)
13) procrastinators - which reminds me - I have to go and get ready to take care of something that needed to be done last Friday...
Friday, April 4, 2014
Greedy M.F.
Trying this again. I posted this in the wrong blog! People are greedy. Greedy greedy greedy. I started boarding at a new barn (because the last barn was temporary die to cost, the barn before that didn't give meds or feed and beat on my horse, the barn before that was run by crazy nasty bitches. So new barn advertises for $280/mo. Then decides wants $350, then $325, then picks someone else to board there. Then emails me NYE to say come on and move your horse in, then says she wants $350 again, then $325. I move horse in a and pay $325. Now she wants $400... Mind you she wants $400 because my horse takes extra care (ie: I go and medicate daily, I was cleaning his stall and I was even asked to take his blanket off... And I prepare meds and and and... Oh and spent an entire day babysitting her dogs and the horses while she was away... Apparently for free and out of the goodness of my heart... Because I should do all that for free. Right?? Cost is elevated because my horse needs - more shavings (wait till you see the photo... That's hardly worth $400/month) and she won't even open the pastures - so the horses are mud bound until further notice. Ugh. Can't I just find a decent place with no bullshit? I'd also like to add - I've been there daily. Literally every day. Not easy with kids and a traveling husband and working in multiple venues (school, studio, etc). Yet after seeing the owner of the barn daily since day 1, after her email came out regarding board, she's been avoiding me. I have to wonder why. Did I say or do something? I mean, I'm the most easy going, non-conflict, harmonious person, so what did I do? Why am I being avoided? :-(
There are more stories of greed that I could share but I won't. (Like the teacher I had who charged me full price for missing a lesson when my son hit his head and had to be examined for a concussion yet only offered me half off of a lesson when this same teacher screwed up their own schedule and completely forgot my lesson. I drove nearly 2 hours r/t for that lesson only to have my teacher not be there... )Thank you to all the folks out there who don't use $ as their everyday focal point. I appreciate you so.
I know nobody reads this anymore. It's my own personal Facebook I guess without all of the distractions and nonsense.
Does this look like enough bedding to you? Certainly looks scarce to me. What do I know though.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Happy new year new you
My greatest treasures and accomplishments
Best Santa in the world. We love you Gary!
The pics sum up some of the highlights from the year (not all, but some!)
"Iron Man" pronounced 'I-run' man per senior sizzlerThursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Not good at juggling
I mean that both literally and figuratively. I am no good at juggling - I can't even get three balls in the air at once. But that's not unusual and many people can't juggle. I had thought that being out of work might allow me some time to juggle more things in a better way. Not true at all. I'm doing a terrible job of staying balanced.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
What happened?
Last night I had all kinds of offers Togo out with friends. I did in fact go with an old friend since I'd asked her to go see a band that I've been wanting to see for months now. Then another friend called and asked me to go see this band but I declined because I already had plans to go. Then another friend invited me to go see another band! So many choices. Bottom line though, I wanted to see the band that I've been wanting to see for MONTHS now. Of course, when my friend I was out with said she no longer wanted to go and see the band, I responded with 'that's ok. I'm tired anyhow' which was total bs. I was wide awake and wanting to go see the band!!! And did I go? No. I should have gone anyhow. Back in the day I'd have gone alone. I should have at least stopped to see the other band play... But I didn't. Instead I was my current spineless self and went home. Aggravated. What happened to me? It's time to stop being that way I think.....
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Did I ever tell you about this?
I had forgotten myself until I was looking for familiar graphics this morning for work. I came across this link (there is a video in there somewhere too I guess). I was not present, but was recognized nonetheless:
Faculty recognition by the BOE
Faculty recognition by the BOE
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
All I have to say is....
Don't MAKE me mad... I've found a new thing to explore... This was a first for me, but I really enjoyed it.
Fwiw I don't like guns in general. I just liked these ;-).
Darn you Trevor!
Fwiw I don't like guns in general. I just liked these ;-).
Darn you Trevor!
Monday, November 5, 2012
Music is love
My husband likened playing music together to making love - which I have to actually agree with. I don't go into the latter with a plan to do this, this and this... I just go where the moment takes me... And when you are able to communicate with your partner(s) you have a much more productive, pleasing, congruent session, right? I thought the analogy was spot on, and may actually help me with my understanding of music and how to play/jam with other musicians significantly! Thanks to my best friend for making such beautiful music with me! ;-) (and yea, I do mean music!)
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life.... And I'm feelin'.........
I'd like to say 'good', but that's not really the first word that comes to my mind. This year in particular has been a real trial for me. Work has turned sour, and my view on my career has been really tarnished. It's pitiful what we are doing to kids in school - expecting them to all take these unrealistic 'tests', well better not call them that... Assessments - emphasis on ass... Because they are just fluff. The whole thing is a joke. It isn't right. We are being asked to teach to the test (indirectly) and it throws away any chance of us being the individual teachers we were. It isn't right. I could go on and on, but I've got to go and get ready for my home room that I shouldn't have because I'm only part time and my union contract says I'm being overworked but isn't willing to do anything about it at all. It is simply another entity to take my money from me for no reason. They have done absolutely nothing to support me in my 6 years here, yet they take my money every single week...
I want to open a school. A real school - one where kids will really learn, look forward to going there, and will feel like they are an important part of the bigger picture.
I love having a blog where I can butch when I need to. I don't care if nobody reads it.
I want to open a school. A real school - one where kids will really learn, look forward to going there, and will feel like they are an important part of the bigger picture.
I love having a blog where I can butch when I need to. I don't care if nobody reads it.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
The path
I've heard time and again that it's always darkest before the dawn. It's been really dark lately for me. I am nowhere near ready to go back to work, I'm as far as possible from being motivated to plan lessons, I've not even placed my order! This is bad. I am not this person who is so behind and unmotivated. I am not. I feel as though my anger and frustration towards my district have hindered what I know I can do. I'll do what I need to. I need an attitude change. I need to get over my 'pissed-offedness' and get into my awesome teacher outfit and do what I do. I just know there is more out there for me and that maybe if I'm lucky, great things are coming soon.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Love
These are what I think of when I hear the word "love". I love my kids. At the end of the best and the worst days, they love me and I them. I have friends who don't have and don't want their own children. Although everybody is different, I can't help but feel sorry a little for these friends. They can't possibly know the kind of love I do. I thought when my nephews were born that I had learned a brand new huge level of love that could only be felt for closest family. When my daughter was born, I learned just how wrong I was!
I'm so very lucky. I just needed to write that. It's my blog of course so I can do just that ;-)
I'm so very lucky. I just needed to write that. It's my blog of course so I can do just that ;-)
Monday, January 30, 2012
Welcome back...me
I've been on hiatus for a while. Had a few mini-me's and such which can make any extra time I once had to write just vanish into thin air. I'm back though and you can be sure that I'll have lots to say about the Rochester cuisine scene. Keep checking back I'll keep posting!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Words with "friends"
Nope, I don't mean the game, at least not the way you'd think I do. I've had a few 'friends' lately who I have to admit, I've let down. I've not called often, or I've been a little distant. I do have my reasons for sure. What I have not (or ever, really) done, is to be completely ignorant of their needs or use them in any way. I, however, can't say the same in reverse.
The other night, a "friend" sends me a message on fb (so personal) stating she read I was on my own a bit and wondered if I'd have her over for wine and shed bring her own. Let me back up and say the last time I was invited over to her place was, well, when my son was an infant... 18 months or so ago... Nonetheless, my DH was not going to be home till late and why not. Company and a little adult help might be nice, right? Well, had I known it would have just been another person to feed and completely clean up after, I'd have declined her request. She came over with wine and proceeded to stand there after I'd pulled out a wine glass for her (along with the corkscrew and aerator). I'd poured myself a glass of my own wine and waited to see how long she'd wait until I'd open her wine. Ok, I'll be a friendly host but come on now... So she eventually (after I said 'are you gonna open that?') started to open her wine and said she always ruins the corks. Ok, I get that. I helped and she has her wine at this point.
I ask if she'd eaten, knowing she had not. She brought no food but again, I can be a nice host. I'll make pasta. I did just that. Made the pasta, watched my kids, cleaned up around us as we talked, and since she didn't offer to help with anything, I asked her to put napkins on the table. Done. I serve up the food, and I think she put a plate or so on the table. She didn't dish anything, or really contribute in any real way. After dinner, the kids go to play and my son was still not feeling well, so I had to calm him and get him to bed. Before I did this, "she" says "I told my roommate id be home by 8" and packs up to leave..... Food is still everywhere, dishes still on the table, my son is now crying and she gathers her wines up to leave! Doesn't offer a damn thing towards helping in any way. Not at all. So, she leaves, I'm dumbfounded and remind myself that she's no friend and that I'm done with that kind of relationship. next day, she sends a fb message - saying how glad she was it worked out for her to come over and how she wishes she'd been able to say something to help me out....?!?!? Wtf? Im confused... Say something? Like what? How about "can I help clean up"? Duh.... College educated doesn't = smart, folks.....
I have a few others out there too... Other folks who were people I respected and called "friends". Not sure what happened to them though. They don't call or respond until they need something. One was a "close" friend, until the final straw this summer. She never gave me an answer to a ? about a visit... And all travel and work plans hinged on her response. Because she never got back to us till it was too late, my husbands work plans were all messed up, as we're mine, and same with plans for the kids. Then she was coming home for a week since she no longer lives here... And talked about how I was the person to see... And I called HER when she was here, only to have her blow me off for all but 2 1/2 hours! Then texts me from the airport when she's leaving.... This is a person that I basically found myself chasing with calls and texts for a while.... Without reciprocation. A friend does this? No, that's not a friend. Not one that values me, anyhow.
I have always been the kind of person who tried to care for underlings and people that others would write off. Sadly I take longer than many to learn the hard lessons. There are reasons that people don't keep friends like these. I do feel bad for them. The first one was someone that I went to school with. For our capstone, nobody wanted to work with her, so I did. I was praised over and over for my patience and backbone to work with her when nobody else would. I unfortunately learned why people didn't work 'with' her - she didn't do any work! And because this was my culmination of my masters, I HAD to do my part, and hers (or it wouldn't be complete). I remember the day it was due - she was in the library researching! It was DUE!!!!! I should have dropped her before then but I believe in karma. I have to admit though, I don't know if she even realizes how others perceive her - but I can't do everything for everyone ... I need to think of me too, and I have always let me fall by the wayside...
I have met a few new friends lately. People I really have clicked with. Part of my new years resolution is to work on the friendships that matter, and rid myself of those that don't. I've got some housekeeping to do I guess!
The other night, a "friend" sends me a message on fb (so personal) stating she read I was on my own a bit and wondered if I'd have her over for wine and shed bring her own. Let me back up and say the last time I was invited over to her place was, well, when my son was an infant... 18 months or so ago... Nonetheless, my DH was not going to be home till late and why not. Company and a little adult help might be nice, right? Well, had I known it would have just been another person to feed and completely clean up after, I'd have declined her request. She came over with wine and proceeded to stand there after I'd pulled out a wine glass for her (along with the corkscrew and aerator). I'd poured myself a glass of my own wine and waited to see how long she'd wait until I'd open her wine. Ok, I'll be a friendly host but come on now... So she eventually (after I said 'are you gonna open that?') started to open her wine and said she always ruins the corks. Ok, I get that. I helped and she has her wine at this point.
I ask if she'd eaten, knowing she had not. She brought no food but again, I can be a nice host. I'll make pasta. I did just that. Made the pasta, watched my kids, cleaned up around us as we talked, and since she didn't offer to help with anything, I asked her to put napkins on the table. Done. I serve up the food, and I think she put a plate or so on the table. She didn't dish anything, or really contribute in any real way. After dinner, the kids go to play and my son was still not feeling well, so I had to calm him and get him to bed. Before I did this, "she" says "I told my roommate id be home by 8" and packs up to leave..... Food is still everywhere, dishes still on the table, my son is now crying and she gathers her wines up to leave! Doesn't offer a damn thing towards helping in any way. Not at all. So, she leaves, I'm dumbfounded and remind myself that she's no friend and that I'm done with that kind of relationship. next day, she sends a fb message - saying how glad she was it worked out for her to come over and how she wishes she'd been able to say something to help me out....?!?!? Wtf? Im confused... Say something? Like what? How about "can I help clean up"? Duh.... College educated doesn't = smart, folks.....
I have a few others out there too... Other folks who were people I respected and called "friends". Not sure what happened to them though. They don't call or respond until they need something. One was a "close" friend, until the final straw this summer. She never gave me an answer to a ? about a visit... And all travel and work plans hinged on her response. Because she never got back to us till it was too late, my husbands work plans were all messed up, as we're mine, and same with plans for the kids. Then she was coming home for a week since she no longer lives here... And talked about how I was the person to see... And I called HER when she was here, only to have her blow me off for all but 2 1/2 hours! Then texts me from the airport when she's leaving.... This is a person that I basically found myself chasing with calls and texts for a while.... Without reciprocation. A friend does this? No, that's not a friend. Not one that values me, anyhow.
I have always been the kind of person who tried to care for underlings and people that others would write off. Sadly I take longer than many to learn the hard lessons. There are reasons that people don't keep friends like these. I do feel bad for them. The first one was someone that I went to school with. For our capstone, nobody wanted to work with her, so I did. I was praised over and over for my patience and backbone to work with her when nobody else would. I unfortunately learned why people didn't work 'with' her - she didn't do any work! And because this was my culmination of my masters, I HAD to do my part, and hers (or it wouldn't be complete). I remember the day it was due - she was in the library researching! It was DUE!!!!! I should have dropped her before then but I believe in karma. I have to admit though, I don't know if she even realizes how others perceive her - but I can't do everything for everyone ... I need to think of me too, and I have always let me fall by the wayside...
I have met a few new friends lately. People I really have clicked with. Part of my new years resolution is to work on the friendships that matter, and rid myself of those that don't. I've got some housekeeping to do I guess!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Hi again... remember me?
I just wanted to say hi. I don't think anyone still reads this, but if they do, this past weekend was a wild little weekend. Check it out.....
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Camping, and reflection
As some of you may know, Aubrey got a new job and is away for work this week. I took the opportunity to get out of the house with the kids for the past few days to just do something new while Aubrey was gone. We ended up in the southern tier at a campground and have had a nice time. For the first few days, my friend Errin joined us, but now it is just the two kids and me. Just what I think I needed, and I truly mean that.
I have been pretty emotional lately. So much has been going on, and I need to move through and past it. I am still struggling to understand the death of Juliana Lamonica. She turned 3 on July 1, and died four days later on her brother's 5th birthday. She had AML (rare form of leukemia) and even though all of the treatments went well, and even though all the doctors were amazed at her strength and recovery, she is still gone. Because of some of the details of her leukemia, chemo would not have cured her. The only chance she had for a cure was a BMT (bone marrow transplant). Her 4 1/2 year old brother was a perfect match (10 out of 10... can't get better than that, unless you have your own stem cells to work with) and after two remissions, she had the transplant. Though she was AML free for nearly a month, it returned, and she is now gone. Her funeral was the 2nd funeral for a child I have been to in less than a year. That is something I am not able to grasp still. I pray that JJ and Nathan are playing together in heaven, without any pain or sadness.
Children are so very important to me. The children of my friends, and of course my own two amazing little loves. So, so important.
So, it is tough for me to understand people who take their own children for granted, or don't really care too much for them for whatever reasons. I get that people disagree, and that sometimes people aren't as close with their families as they once were, but neglect and indifference are inexcusable. I see more parents who could care less about their kids than I see those who DO care. Something is VERY wrong with this picture. I see it in the stores, I see it on TV, I see it way too close for comfort. So many parents don't think about how their own actions will affect their kids. It doesn't matter if your kids are young, middle aged, elderly, whatever. All kids have feelings. Consider that when you reflect on your own behavior around your children. Are you really making the most out of the time you have on earth with them, or are you merely fulfilling the basic obligations that give you the 'right' to be called Mom or Dad or whatever name your kids call you?
A friend called me today and told me that her mom is moving to the house behind hers. I simply reminded her to really look at the relationship she has with her mom, and never take it for granted. Her mother is there for her, for her grandson, and is so very thoughtful about how she contributes to her life. Her mother even took the time to come and see me in the hospital just before I had my son. I needed that motherly hug so much. I find that all too often that is a major part of my life that is lacking. I went to have my hair cut and colored a month or so ago. and my stylist was still on maternity leave, so she did the job at her house. Her mom and dad were there (they moved closer to her as she was getting ready to have her baby so they could help out and be a part of her life). I was really surprised that people actually do that. It seems so alien to me. I have heard complaints from another person that their mom comes over and cleans and takes care of things around the house. Complaints? Really? You don't know what the opposite side of that type of relationship really looks like. You have it better than you think. It is like people who complain that they have too much $ in the bank. Man... life can be rough.
Then there are the parents who are game players. Who use that passive-aggressive drama to stir things up. Those who have their own issues that they choose to displace in the shape of aggression, anger or hate on their own kids. I don't have time for that either. I have lost my faith in you. You can't behave that way and expect people to continue to respect you. You would not behave this way with your social or business circles, so provide some kind of reason that you believe behaving this way with family is ok. It just isn't. Everyone loses.
Make the most of your time here with the people who you really love. Everyone has a limited time on earth. Nobody lives forever, so all this game playing, all of this negative foolishness, all of this lying (be it big or small) is time that you can't get back. Is it really the best way to use the time you have?
This is why, on any particular day, I am most happy with my family. Spending time with my husband and children is the way I most prefer to be. I have spent so much time trying to get and hold the attention of people who, for whatever reasons, don't want to pay attention to me or my family. Or, they do pay attention, but only when it fits their own needs, or if there is an ulterior motive.
So, thank you to the family and friends out there who truly care, who truly enjoy spending time with me, with my immediate family. You mean a LOT to us. You are important to us, and we are all so grateful to have you in our lives. Maybe I am reading the rest of you wrong, but how would I know... you don't communicate enough to let me know otherwise. That is and always has been hurtful.
I have been pretty emotional lately. So much has been going on, and I need to move through and past it. I am still struggling to understand the death of Juliana Lamonica. She turned 3 on July 1, and died four days later on her brother's 5th birthday. She had AML (rare form of leukemia) and even though all of the treatments went well, and even though all the doctors were amazed at her strength and recovery, she is still gone. Because of some of the details of her leukemia, chemo would not have cured her. The only chance she had for a cure was a BMT (bone marrow transplant). Her 4 1/2 year old brother was a perfect match (10 out of 10... can't get better than that, unless you have your own stem cells to work with) and after two remissions, she had the transplant. Though she was AML free for nearly a month, it returned, and she is now gone. Her funeral was the 2nd funeral for a child I have been to in less than a year. That is something I am not able to grasp still. I pray that JJ and Nathan are playing together in heaven, without any pain or sadness.
Children are so very important to me. The children of my friends, and of course my own two amazing little loves. So, so important.
So, it is tough for me to understand people who take their own children for granted, or don't really care too much for them for whatever reasons. I get that people disagree, and that sometimes people aren't as close with their families as they once were, but neglect and indifference are inexcusable. I see more parents who could care less about their kids than I see those who DO care. Something is VERY wrong with this picture. I see it in the stores, I see it on TV, I see it way too close for comfort. So many parents don't think about how their own actions will affect their kids. It doesn't matter if your kids are young, middle aged, elderly, whatever. All kids have feelings. Consider that when you reflect on your own behavior around your children. Are you really making the most out of the time you have on earth with them, or are you merely fulfilling the basic obligations that give you the 'right' to be called Mom or Dad or whatever name your kids call you?
A friend called me today and told me that her mom is moving to the house behind hers. I simply reminded her to really look at the relationship she has with her mom, and never take it for granted. Her mother is there for her, for her grandson, and is so very thoughtful about how she contributes to her life. Her mother even took the time to come and see me in the hospital just before I had my son. I needed that motherly hug so much. I find that all too often that is a major part of my life that is lacking. I went to have my hair cut and colored a month or so ago. and my stylist was still on maternity leave, so she did the job at her house. Her mom and dad were there (they moved closer to her as she was getting ready to have her baby so they could help out and be a part of her life). I was really surprised that people actually do that. It seems so alien to me. I have heard complaints from another person that their mom comes over and cleans and takes care of things around the house. Complaints? Really? You don't know what the opposite side of that type of relationship really looks like. You have it better than you think. It is like people who complain that they have too much $ in the bank. Man... life can be rough.
Then there are the parents who are game players. Who use that passive-aggressive drama to stir things up. Those who have their own issues that they choose to displace in the shape of aggression, anger or hate on their own kids. I don't have time for that either. I have lost my faith in you. You can't behave that way and expect people to continue to respect you. You would not behave this way with your social or business circles, so provide some kind of reason that you believe behaving this way with family is ok. It just isn't. Everyone loses.
Make the most of your time here with the people who you really love. Everyone has a limited time on earth. Nobody lives forever, so all this game playing, all of this negative foolishness, all of this lying (be it big or small) is time that you can't get back. Is it really the best way to use the time you have?
This is why, on any particular day, I am most happy with my family. Spending time with my husband and children is the way I most prefer to be. I have spent so much time trying to get and hold the attention of people who, for whatever reasons, don't want to pay attention to me or my family. Or, they do pay attention, but only when it fits their own needs, or if there is an ulterior motive.
So, thank you to the family and friends out there who truly care, who truly enjoy spending time with me, with my immediate family. You mean a LOT to us. You are important to us, and we are all so grateful to have you in our lives. Maybe I am reading the rest of you wrong, but how would I know... you don't communicate enough to let me know otherwise. That is and always has been hurtful.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Springtime!!!
Its almost here folks!!! only a few more hours until it is OFFICIALLY SPRING!!! As much as I hate the winter, one of the benefits of living in western New York is the change in seasons, and looking forward to at least 3 of the 4 seasons...
It is fun to watch all of the flowers coming up, waking up to hear the birds singing again, the woodpeckers pecking for bugs, and the fresh air of the season that rushes in when I open the windows. What is even more exciting is watching how my son looks at all of these things for the first time. He has never experienced any of this, and I always have to wonder what he is thinking about as he sees these things. He looks at them all with such wonder and excitement. Ahh, to see things as a child does again - what a gift that would be!
I also love that every morning when he wakes up, I go in to his room and get the biggest smile from his cute little chubby-cheeked face. This morning he even laughed quite a bit. It was awesome. I love that I can have full conversations with him that consist only of the word "Goo" over and over again (as he and I are doing right now). Having him is a really fun and exciting experience.
Lanie has been great as a big sister, and as a companion to me. She is a wonderful helper and has been my buddy moreso over the past few months than ever I think. She has struggled a bit with no longer being the center of attention all of the time, and we have all been learning how to adjust to this new family life that we now have. All in all, I think we are all doing a pretty good job of adjusting and doing our parts. I want to work on making sure that Lanie and I (and Lanie and Daddy too) get some some one on one time. I want to do some girly type things with her without her brother coming with us, and I think that kind of bonding time will help. She is already excited that she has a girls night sleepover coming up next week. My good friend Vicky is coming over that night and we are doing a girls sleepover (daddy will have to go to the guest bedroom or Lanie's room) night. Vicky already comes over each week to hang out and give me a hand with the kids, and provide me with some grown-up conversation (much needed when playing the role of stay at home mom for the moment!). Friday will be fun. Today will be nice too since my awesome sister Shawna is coming out with her kids and they are all staying the night with us. That will be a lot of fun to have them all here. The older I get, the more I truly appreciate spending time with family.
Speaking of that, I have also really enjoyed spending time with my mother in law lately. Since I am home with the kids, there is much more time where I can go over to her house and visit, chat and just spend time together. It is so much harder when both Aubrey and I are working. At the end of a work day, we barely have the energy to get dinner together, clean whatever needs to be cleaned in the house (chores are never-ending), and get the kids to bed, then get up and do it all again the next day. That is probably hard to understand unless it is the life you are living. Then the weekend comes, and it is the only time we actually get to spend as a family together, and of course it is usually filled with cleaning and other necessary household responsibilities like shopping... time flies too fast.
Well, I am off again. Time to get the boy in the bath and clean his little tooshie. Then the big girl needs to get in the bath and get clean. She is learning how to do that herself these days, which is just amazing. She is growing up so very fast. She tells me that I am still growing too, and it happens when I sleep, and I can't even see it. She cracks me up. The things she says are so funny. I still can't believe that she will be in Kindergarten this year. Where did those 5 years go? She is so ready to be in school though. She has been for a long time. I just hope she doesn't get bored, and enjoys school. I hope that the school she goes to is a good one, and that her teacher(s) is/are great.
I will upload some photos later. Enjoy the first day of Spring everyone!
Tootles!
It is fun to watch all of the flowers coming up, waking up to hear the birds singing again, the woodpeckers pecking for bugs, and the fresh air of the season that rushes in when I open the windows. What is even more exciting is watching how my son looks at all of these things for the first time. He has never experienced any of this, and I always have to wonder what he is thinking about as he sees these things. He looks at them all with such wonder and excitement. Ahh, to see things as a child does again - what a gift that would be!
I also love that every morning when he wakes up, I go in to his room and get the biggest smile from his cute little chubby-cheeked face. This morning he even laughed quite a bit. It was awesome. I love that I can have full conversations with him that consist only of the word "Goo" over and over again (as he and I are doing right now). Having him is a really fun and exciting experience.
Lanie has been great as a big sister, and as a companion to me. She is a wonderful helper and has been my buddy moreso over the past few months than ever I think. She has struggled a bit with no longer being the center of attention all of the time, and we have all been learning how to adjust to this new family life that we now have. All in all, I think we are all doing a pretty good job of adjusting and doing our parts. I want to work on making sure that Lanie and I (and Lanie and Daddy too) get some some one on one time. I want to do some girly type things with her without her brother coming with us, and I think that kind of bonding time will help. She is already excited that she has a girls night sleepover coming up next week. My good friend Vicky is coming over that night and we are doing a girls sleepover (daddy will have to go to the guest bedroom or Lanie's room) night. Vicky already comes over each week to hang out and give me a hand with the kids, and provide me with some grown-up conversation (much needed when playing the role of stay at home mom for the moment!). Friday will be fun. Today will be nice too since my awesome sister Shawna is coming out with her kids and they are all staying the night with us. That will be a lot of fun to have them all here. The older I get, the more I truly appreciate spending time with family.
Speaking of that, I have also really enjoyed spending time with my mother in law lately. Since I am home with the kids, there is much more time where I can go over to her house and visit, chat and just spend time together. It is so much harder when both Aubrey and I are working. At the end of a work day, we barely have the energy to get dinner together, clean whatever needs to be cleaned in the house (chores are never-ending), and get the kids to bed, then get up and do it all again the next day. That is probably hard to understand unless it is the life you are living. Then the weekend comes, and it is the only time we actually get to spend as a family together, and of course it is usually filled with cleaning and other necessary household responsibilities like shopping... time flies too fast.
Well, I am off again. Time to get the boy in the bath and clean his little tooshie. Then the big girl needs to get in the bath and get clean. She is learning how to do that herself these days, which is just amazing. She is growing up so very fast. She tells me that I am still growing too, and it happens when I sleep, and I can't even see it. She cracks me up. The things she says are so funny. I still can't believe that she will be in Kindergarten this year. Where did those 5 years go? She is so ready to be in school though. She has been for a long time. I just hope she doesn't get bored, and enjoys school. I hope that the school she goes to is a good one, and that her teacher(s) is/are great.
I will upload some photos later. Enjoy the first day of Spring everyone!
Tootles!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Smiling Man
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